From the first time that a girl truly caught your eye, you’ve known what you feel like when you’re really digging someone. And you were probably wondering back then, just like in your relationships today, whether you should show how you feel or play the mysterious card. While there’s no right or wrong answer, and you’ve probably figured out what works for you since, once a relationship grows there’s never a fully equal division of love in any coupledom. As matchmaker and dating expert Sarah Patt explains: whoever loves the other more isn’t a competition. Instead, it’s an ebb-and-flow over many months (and years) where your love for one another changes, just like your life, career and beliefs do. It’s just not realistic to feel the exact same about those things year after year.
While it’s normal for your partner to be more into you than you are into her and vice versa, depending on the month or the time, relationship coach and therapist Kristy De Leon says it’s important to notice just how extreme the balancing act is. “Depending on what is going on in the relationship, one person will typically feel like they are giving more love than the other person,” she says. “But it is crucial to realise that these are ‘moments,’ unless of course the partner has become physically or mentally ill. Then the person must decide if they want to be in this kind of relationship and can accept the new limitations on their partner’s affection. Or, if the person feels like it has been months now that they are putting in the majority of the love and effort, then it is time to talk. It is not healthy for the person or the relationship to be one-sided – then it is not a healthy relationship; it’s an arrangement out of convenience.”
So what are some indications that it’s not just a phase where you’re doting on her more in an unhealthy way? Here, dating and love experts explain the signs that she loves you more – and if you should hit the road or not:
1. You Do Whatever She Says
So your buddies planned a big trip together but she wants to go on a romantic weekend on the spur of the moment. When you attempt to bargain for another weekend, she shuts down. Because you don’t want to lose your babe, you give in – even though she didn’t compromise at all. “Whether she asks for a favour or wants to go to a particular restaurant, she runs the show,” Patt explains. “This might be because you aren’t used to being with a woman who knows what she wants and you’ve fallen for her completely.” If you’re never able to get her to compromise it means she’s not prioritising your needs – ever. And you need to reevaluate why you’re with her.
2. You Always Text First
You kind-of-sort-of suggested seeing a concert and grabbing dinner the last time you were together, but she hasn’t confirmed anything or reached out to make sure she sees you on Friday night. If you’re always the one reaching for the phone to plan all of the dates, without any effort on her part, Patt says it’s worth raising an eyebrow. “You’re putting in all of the hard work when it comes to going out and further establishing the relationship,” she says. “It shows that you continue to plan these dates to make her happy, while the woman might just be going through the motions.” Want to test the waters? Go silent for a few days and see how long it takes her to take the lead.
3. You Remember The Milestones
When a woman is truly (madly, deeply) in love with you, she won’t forget one detail of the time you spent together. From the first kiss to when you made her orgasm for the first time or told her that you loved her, these visions will be ingrained in her mind (and at the top of her lips to tell her friends). But if you’re the one who is bringing up birthdays, anniversaries and sweet-nothings, and she simply is forgetting them, Patt says she might not have as much invested in the relationship as you do.
4. You Post More Than Her
When you’re out together for a run, it’s your suggestion to snap a selfie for Facebook. Or you update your status about your “girlfriend” – while her page stays pretty silent. The fact is, when you’re crazy about someone, you want to share your affection with those you love, and okay, online too. (It’s a gentle type of humble brag, right?) If your girlfriend isn’t willing to go public – at all – De Leon says she may not be being truthful with you. “As women we love to share things that we are into and, quite honestly, what we want to show off. So if she is not posting anything or very little, but he is, than this is something to look at,” she explains. “Is she trying to hide the relationship? Is she starting to emotionally leave the relationship?”
5. You Ask Her Out And She’s Always Busy
“In the beginning of a relationship, we naturally want to be with the person a lot. However, there is a difference between going out every other night to being with the person 24/7. A relationship needs breathing room to grow,” De Leon says. So if you’re wanting to spend multiple nights a week together and want to introduce her to your friends and family, but she just isn’t having it, it might be a sign that she isn’t falling as hard or she’s feeling overwhelmed. “She might feel smothered by being together a lot and it interferes with getting to know the person from a more objective point of view,” De Leon says. “You are not able to see things up close that you would be able to see from a distance.”